How do you make a project comfortable?

Prompt: How do you make a project 'comfortable' for women/HDA/everyone? 

• What are ways in which allies can ensure that they give the appropriate space on projects?
• What makes projects less comfortable? 
• Gender, gender expression, Historically Discriminated Against (HDA) perspectives

Abby Bangser

I think that being self aware is very important. There are ways to watch your language, proximity and activity suggestions to make interactions easier and more welcoming. In addition, the people that have made me feel most welcome are the ones that are aware of others interactions as well. The teammate that comes over after a particularly male dominated conversation to discreetly ask if that went too far, or the supervisor who notices, and chooses to address, the fact that I may excuse myself from certain gatherings are the people who can make a change.

The term "ally" is used in the prompt to ask what actions that person can take. Beyond personal action, general awareness and empathy can go a really long way in opening lines of communication.

Alexandra Price

One thing that many people brought up is the feeling that you’ll say something in a meeting (either formal or informal) and be ignored or shot down, just to have someone (usually a guy, especially if they are more senior) say the same thing thirty seconds later and have everyone agree. One of the things that can really help is if whoever does get listened to can act as an ally, and make of point of saying something like “I agree with what Alexandra just said” rather than repeating the point. Once this happens a few times, people will usually start listening better in the first place. Of course, the best thing would be to start every meeting by reminding yourself to give credit to everyone’s ideas. If people feel they won’t be listened to, they will just stop contributing--and that hurts the entire team and project.

Alyssa Nabors

I didn't realize until I started my first at-the-client-site project, but ThoughtWorks is a bit of an idealized version of a diverse workplace. I was almost never the only woman in the room, no matter what room I was in or why! Starting my first project was a little bit of a shock, being one of two women on the team for nearly two months. I don't think that anyone on the team has ever said anything that could be remotely interpreted to be about my gender, except for a compliment on my engagement ring or congratulations on my recent marriage. Even in times of great stress, feedback has been framed around making the team more effective and being a better consultant. However, if I didn't have Kim with me on this team, I likely wouldn't have confided in anyone until our team grew and more women rolled on to the project. There are certain things that I struggle with that feel, to me, like something that could be interpreted as signs of weakness, or, in a less supportive environment, attributed to my gender rather than a stage of personal growth. There are certain judgements that I'm concerned men coworkers would make where I feel another woman would be able to empathize. Even if I had been the only woman on the project, I know I would've been able to at least confide in my coach. I know that she can understand what I'm going through, and give objective advice. Knowing that I can reach out to her for a fresh perspective and absolute support. She's a she though; I know I wouldn't have the same level of trust in a man coach. Maybe this is unfair to the majority of male-identifying ThoughtWorkers, but I've been burned before and my comfort zone is firmly established in this regard. You want to make everyone comfortable on a team? Make sure they have someone with whom they feel they can communicate with openly and safely. Maybe for other Historically Discriminated Against groups, or even other women, this may not mean "someone with the same background as me". Maybe it just means someone they have established a relationship with. Whatever it means, I think it's worth making sure that everyone has that resource.

Aubrey Chipman

A more comfortable experience is one that is inclusive.  For example: having team lunch/ dinners at locations that everyone gets a chance to pick, and will respect people who have dietary restrictions; team outings that are broadcasted to the entire team, not just select individuals who can become a clique.  As well, staffing on a project will have a large effect on comfort levels: it is good to staff at least two of any underrepresented group.  As a woman developer, this has the largest noticeable effect that helps me relax in a work setting: I am not alone.

As for what makes a project uncomfortable: a lack of discussion when people have different styles of disagreement.  In a team setting, it is inevitable to have disagreement, and frequently these styles will not match up.  When there is one party that consistently falls to silence or one party that consistently ‘wins’, the team room gets awkward.  And then it gets worse.  

Lily Lambda

1. I want my gender respected, just like everyone else. I don’t see any reason why teammates should fumble between “she” and “he” for the first few weeks. They need to practice that on their own damn time. Complaining that it’s difficult because they’re not used to it is unacceptable. To me that translates as “I’m exploding with cis privilege, don’t view you as a woman, and don’t really care to self-examine. It’s your job to educate me, and my prerogative whether to listen or not.” Being misgendered is downright traumatic and can derail my entire day. It’s dehumanizing. I can’t describe a lower level of “safety” than fearing I’ll be addressed as a man.
2. I don’t think anyone should ever label themselves an ally, nor do I believe a man should ever call himself a feminist. It’s a fig leaf and an appropriation of a marginalized identity. Act like an ally. Don’t call yourself an ally.
3. Unless I explicitly invite feedback on my outfits (and admittedly, as a femme with exhibitionist tendencies I sometimes do …) I don’t think it’s an appropriate topic for conversation. I know how the game works: people think they’re just giving compliments. But the flip side to compliments is withholding compliments. I get loads of compliments when I dress more cisnormatively, heteronormatively, feminine, and mainstream, but receive very few otherwise. Translation: “we don’t like it when you look trans, gay, masculine, or reflective of your culture.” Ouch! The same goes with “helpful suggestions”. They amount to “here’s how you can look more cis, straight, feminine, and culturally mainstream, because those are best.”
4. I’m unnerved by brogrammer culture: shouting, pseudo-intellectual posturing, interrupting, arguing, mansplaining, etc. Teammates should not do that, even if they’re coming from a startup culture where it was accepted.
   
5. Teammates should calibrate their speaking styles to one another. In practice I think this means male developers need to speak less often, less loudly, and with less authority/certainty. As the dominant group, I believe the onus is on them. Others can benefit from speaking more frequently, more loudly, and with more authority/certainty, but as the marginalized group the onus is not on them. This should not start an “arms race”.

Linda Goldstein

To me, body language is important in team interactions. Having a fellow teammate slowly inch closer to you over the course of a conversation is hard to address verbally without sounding irrational. I usually use the phrase "Could you please move over. I like to have a lot of personal space."

I think that a characteristic of a team which is likely to be pleasant to be on is that if there is a meeting between several different physical locations, all team members make a point of speaking to the phone and actively involving remote members in the conversation.